The Latest

Gosh, it's been a long time since I last posted.  So much has gone on I just don't know where to begin!  I guess I'll start with Honor =)

Not quite sure what to think about this...it makes sense but, not sure I fully believe it.  Her Bipolar Diagnosis is no more.  WHAT?! Well, because of the extra electrical activity in her brain, and seizure activity that causes her lack of impulse control, you basically can't have that and be Bipolar at the same time. *smh*.  When it comes to illness (not just mental illness) there are some that in order to have "A", you can't have "B".  Because there is evidence of the seizure activity, it cancels out the Bipolar.  I'll have to do some more research on the topic.  She is no longer on the Lamictal (anti psychotic) and no longer on the Abilify (antidepressant).

This past visit went wonderful actually.  We had a great time.  I got to see my baby sister, meet her husband and sweet little baby too.  Honor did very well.  There were only minimal tears.  She really really wants to come home and feels that since she is no longer suicidal and no longer wants to cut herself, then she should be able to come home.  Those who know Honor know that she has a bit of a "defiant streak" about her.  THAT is what the focus is now.  She needs to do a lot of work in order to be able to go "up a level" and hasn't put forth the effort.  She needs to learn to be respectful, how to handle stressful situations and basically how to not be rude all the time.  She says things without thinking, wants what she wants when she wants it, and can just be downright mean. So, for her to learn better coping skills and change the negative traits about her, she is still there.

Her medication is under control.  She is very much stable, and that is wonderful!!!  Brendan and I were approached by her therapist when we did the family therapy session about a possible unit change.  She is currently on the neuropsych unit and because she is stable medically, we are asking for her psychiatrist to move her to the behavioral unit.  We will basically be starting a new treatment plan for her, so the odds of her staying beyond September (Tricare only pays for 6 months) have greatly improved.  We don't look at this as a bad thing.  We want her to get the most help she can.

I did see some improvement in her impulse control tho!  When we were at family therapy, I could see her trying very hard to think before she speaks.  There were a couple of times where she stopped herself and said she wasn't going to say anything because she couldn't word it without sounding rude or disrespectful.  This is HUGE for her!  So, things are starting to work. It's nice to see!!

As for my personal life...I won't say a whole lot here.  I have learned a lot that there are just some people who will do anything and say anything all while standing behind you with a knife in your back.  Even people you thought would never do that.  So, there are a lot of things that I will hold very near and dear to my heart and will only talk about with my family and closest friends. I have lost a bunch of friends, mainly because I opted out of a Facebook friendship with them...who knew that in order to be friends in real life, you had to actually have said friend on your FB page? *smh*  There are some that have stuck around.  I do care that some friendships have come to and end, and as far as others, very happy that they have.  I held out for too long, trusted one too many.  Honestly, there are a couple that if I never saw again, I would be happy. I feel as tho a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders and I'm free. 

I am not perfect, and I have never claimed to be perfect.  I have made many mistakes in my life, but at least I have been able to say "Yeah, I effed up big time".  Being the better person doesn't mean being "right", it means being able to look at yourself and see where you have gone/done wrong and being able to admit it. I have gone and gotten myself help, and I still do see my therapist weekly, with no desire to stop yet.  I have learned a lot about myself and a lot of the people who I let into my life.  It has really made me look within myself and see what it is about me that makes me continually chose people who are bad for me.  I have been lucky enough to fall into some wonderful relationships. From my husband, who is my everything, to my Angela, to Amanda and some others and hopefully many more good people. 

What exactly is my problem?  I'm too trusting, I give too much of myself and in general, I'm just nice.  I don't want people to dislike me so I always apologize....even for things that I don't need to apologize for.  I'm working on changing that one big time.  I do care if people don't like me...who wouldn't?  But what I need to learn to accept is that it is okay, not everyone will. 

There is something positive tho that I can say.  When I make friends, it's not based on "what can that person do for me".  I do for me.  I don't need anyone in that aspect.  I never have.  All I have ever asked is that my friends lend an ear when I need to talk, offer advice and criticism when I need it.  That's it. 

What I don't need is people in my life who criticize my children by calling them ugly. <------ That one hurts the worst. I don't need people talking to my husband about me trying to pit him against me.  (his words, not mine) I don't need people to criticize my parenting and call me a bad mother for doing the same damned thing...if not worse.  What I don't need is people who are as old as me, emailing my daughters boyfriend while he's in a mental hospital for emotional issues to tell him what she's up to.  What I don't need is the continual hypocritical BS of "you can't talk about me to your husband because it's such a violation" and then turn around and talk about me to anyone and everyone who will listen.  What I don't need is people who are just, in general MEAN.  THOSE are the things I don't need.  This is not me "playing victim"...it's kind of hard to "play" when you are, in fact, a victim!!! I have been bullied, stomped on (figuratively of course), treated like s*** and had my trust violated over and over again by those I loved and those who claimed to "love" me. That in and of itself makes me a victim. But at the same time, I continued to put myself in that situation over and over again so while I am a victim, I'm really really STUPID too. 

*sigh*  Well, I wasn't going to say a lot about my personal life, but that felt good.


I'm moving on.  Reconnecting with old friends. Making new ones.  I think this next chapter of my life is going to be pretty awesome.  I know who I am now.  I know there are a lot of things about me that are good and that some will take to heart.  I one day will be able to trust people more.  All that matters right now is that here, at this very moment, I feel a million times better.  I will continue to make mistakes, you can count on that, but I can guarantee I will continue to learn from each and every one of them.